Kings vs. Coyotes: A Fictional Preview

By Michael Schneid

These teams will fight it out on the ice to determine who goes to the Stanley Cup. And while there is likely some stats and numbers to look at to preview this game (Ryan Queler did) I have decided to take a different approach. Ryan thinks the Kings will win in 6 gamesand advance to their second Stanley Cup finals. He used logical hockey analysis to determine why the Kings will win. I am going to use a different approach. Using geography, cartoons, and simple real-life logic, I will determine who wins between the Kings and Coyotes

But first, we must first understand what a king and coyote are.

 

Google defines King as the male ruler of an independent state. Also a person or thing regarded as the finest or most important in its sphere or group.

 

A coyote is a wolflike wild dog. Coyote is also known as smugglers who facilitate the migration of people across the U.S. border.

 

So a king is a ruler and a coyote is a ferocious animal. If locked in a room together, a coyote would likely just eat the king, or at least rip him apart. Therefore, the Coyotes have an advantage there and are awarded 10 points through our IHAS (Illogical Hockeyless Analytical System).

 

Let's start with some actual hockey analysis though (which goes against everything our system stands for). Wayne Gretzky, the greatest player of all time, put the Kings on the map when the acquired him. In 1988 the Kings acquired "The Great One" and Gretzky made the Kings relevant. They made the playoffs every year and in 1992-93 made a run to the Stanley Cup finals, the franchises only appearance.

 

In 2001, Gretzky became a part-owner of the Coyotes would take over as coach the from 2005-2009. He did not have the success he had as a player in LA. He had a .473 winning percentage in four years as head coach. Gretzky was even inducted into Phoenix's Ring of Honor. These two teams are forever tied together as being part of Wayne Gretzky's career. But because Gretzky was way more successful with the Kings, they take tie up the score at 10-10.

 

The Kings play in Los Angeles, Hollywood, where movies are made (5 points). The most famous movie with Coyote in it is Coyote Ugly. This film is a romantic comedy/drama featuring a girl trying to become famous with her singing. The girl works at a bar and eventually becomes noticed at an open mic night. While, the women in the movie are rather good looking, being associated with the word ugly realy hurts the Coyotes and actually costs them 5 points. On the other hand, there are many famous Kings movies, for this purpose we will use The Lion King. Lion baby Simba goes through obstacles to become King. Simba's path to the Kingdom vs. Violet Sanford's path to become a singer are very different. I feel that Simba was more successful and faced a more challenging road and since the Kings are located in Hollywood to begin with, the Kings get the advantage and are awarded 25 points on the ILAS scale.

 

How about some famous Kings - Martin Luther King, Elvis Pressley the King of Rock and Roll, Larry King, Peter King, Billie Jean King, even Nets GM Billy King. There are is no one named Coyote as far as we know. So far, Martin Luther King's dream is referring to the LA Kings going to the Stanley cup, not the Coyotes. However, the King, Elvis Pressley is from Memphis, TN. Nashville is also in Memphis and that is who the Coyotes beat to advance to this round. See, this article actually does include some real hockey analysis afterall! So the Kings gain 7 points, one for each King-named person above. And an extra 5 for Martin Luther King because we have off work and school for his good deeds. The Coyotes pick up 5 points for their connection with Elvis and Tennessee.

Some other sports and teams will definitely play a role in who wins this game. The Coyotes are located in Glendale, Arizona, even though they go by Phoenix. Glendale also hosts the NFL's Cardinals. The Kings play in a city without an NFL team. We will award the Coyotes with 20 points thanks to the lack of Los Angeles NFL team. When you hear LA vs. Phoenix in May, you likely think Lakers vs. Suns. Well, the Suns are out and the Lakers are still playing (5 points for LA). The Diamondbacks trail the first place Dodgers by 6.5 games in the NL West. However, the Angels have one of the worst records in baseball and are in last in the AL West by 7 games. Since the Diamondbacks are closer to first than the Angels, we award Phoenix 15 points.

 

How about geographically. The sites in Arizona are very nice and peaceful. Cacti and desert sand off the side of the roads. It is very hot there. Arizona is the home of the Grand Canyon, one of the most beautiful scenes in the world. I have been there and it was absolutely amazing to see in person. Contrarily, Los Angeles is loud. Hollywood is 24/7 action. While Arizona has the Grand Canyon, LA has the Hollywood Walk of Fame. These actually cancel out because some people enjoy quiet and some enjoy the hustle and bustle. Both areas are very nice to visit and live and I recommend you check out both.

 

The most famous Coyote is Wile E. Coyote. Wile E. is a play off the word "wily" which is what the coyote is. We automatically award the Coyotes 5 points because everyone has watched the Looney Tunes before. He is wily in his attempts to trick his archrival the Road Runner. He also has a history with trying to annoy Bugs Bunny. His goal was to catch and eat the rabbit. The coyote is rarely, if ever, successful in getting the best of the Road Runner he just runs by yelling "beep beep" and thwarting coyote's attempts. Wile E. is often too smart and very arrogant and his rivals often get the best of him.

Meanwhile, a King, as we established earlier, is a ruler. This ruler can get elected to lead a specific group or just step up and take over leadership on his own. Wile E. Coyote often loses his battles while a King must win to get elected. Some Kings still are not successful when they perform their tasks but must be a strong leader and have some intellect. Therefore, due to the strength of Kings, we award 12 points to them.

 

Now onto everyones favorite subject - food. The food portion of this article will focus on burgers. LA is represented by Burger King and Phoenix has In and Out Burger. In and Out Burger is located mainly on the west coast, and I had my only experiences there in Arizona. Having had several In and Out Burgers and Burger King plenty of times, I can safely award Phoenix with 20 points due to the goodness of their burger vs Burger King. Burger King also falls at least third on the list of fast food options between McDonalds and Wendy's in my book. So that hurts them even further. As long as the Coyotes eat In and Out Burger and not Burger King, they have a good chance to get to the Cup Finals.

 

The Coyote is the name of the San Antonio Spurs mascot. After winning Best Mascot of the Year in 2005, the Coyote was inducted into the Mascot Hall of Fame in 2007 (yes, seriously, there is a mascot Hall of Fame). Meanwhile, the Kings mascot is a 6 foot lion named Bailey. Bailey is not a Hall of Famer but his most unique attribute is he wears #72, because it is the average temperature in Los Angeles. This brings us back to Simba, the Lion King. You think that is why the Kings made Bailey a Lion? The Coyotes mascot is Howler the Coyote, the name comes from the sound the Coyotes make late in the night, they howl. His #96 jersey represents the year the Coyotes moved from Winnipeg. While a lion would like beat a coyote in a fight, the fact that we have two coyotes, we will give Howler and The Coyote the win and 20 points over Bailey. And since The Coyote is a Hall of Famer, that has to be worth at least 15 bonus points. Coyotes suddenly have a lot of momentum and might be able to knock off LA in this series based solely on sports mascots!

 

After talying up the total number of points using the ILAS (Illogical Hockeyless Analytical System), the Coyotes actually come out ahead of the Kings 80-79! This series will be physical and exciting and determined by goals, saves, hits, penalties, and probably some more illegal hits. But if you account for movies, food, mascots, cartoons, and real life famous people, the Coyotes have a slim advantage.

Let us know if what you thought about this article. We used a slightly different angle so we would love to get your thoughts.